How it started

I’ve asked myself this question hundreds of times over the years and to be honest, I’m still not 100% sure to this day that I know how it started. There are various different things I remember. But one thing that really sticks out. About 13 years ago I went on a holiday to Cyprus. Before then I had not been on a plane for a while and had developed a fear of flying. It was while on holiday that I remember things starting to change. It was a few days before my flight home and to be frank, I was bricking it! I was scared the plane was going to crash. I remember reading a newspaper and I became really superstitious. I would be reading an article, I would have to re read certain parts again, as it didn’t feel right and if i didn’t do it, something bad would happen on the plane home. I couldn’t really articulate my thoughts at the time and didn’t know what to think of it. But looking back now these weren’t superstitions, they were compulsions. This was in May. Skip to September of that year and I began to start experiencing these things everyday. I was stood in the mail room where I worked at the time and I just couldn’t bring myself to seal this letter that I was trying to send, panicking that I had put someone else’s things in there by accident! (Even though I knew I hadn’t). At the same time this was happening, I was being bullied at work and even though I didn’t realise it at the time, it was having a negative impact on myself. This was my first job since leaving school and it was a big thing! At that point I went to see my doctor. I was referred for therapy. I walked out of there thinking I could get this sorted quickly. I was wrong! 4months had passed before I got my first appointment through. The longest 4 months of my life. I went to therapy and undertook a course of low level CBT. I attended, but it didn’t really click with me, I didn’t really feel a connection with therapist, through no fault of their own. I know that might sound daft, but honestly it’s a really important thing, your letting someone inside your world. At the same time I was relocating and I was Young at the time and excited, my first house, freedom etc. This was a mistake, I should of concentrated on the therapy, and got myself back up to full strength. You live and learn though. That was just the start of my journey……

1 thought on “How it started”

  1. Hi Adam,

    I can very much relate to everything you said!

    In my case, it isn’t normally about the fear of flying but I often worry about doing something that I do not want to – like I am afraid of losing control and act on some of my intrusive thoughts.

    And well…compulsions…used to have a lot of them. Nowadays, things are getting better but there are a few compulsions I still need to do – like checking if the door is locked or re-reading my sent emails a few times to make sure I didn’t say anything stupid.

    I am sorry to read that your co-workers were bullying you, that’s just so mean – and that really has a huge impact on one’s mental health.

    Welcome to blogging and I look forward to reading more from you!



    Liked by 1 person

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